Internal Family Systems: The self

The Self in IFS: The Part of You That’s Always Got Your Back

Let’s be real—life can feel like a constant tug-of-war between all the different parts of you. You’ve got that inner critic nagging you with “you’re not good enough,” the people-pleaser begging you to keep everyone happy, and the rebel that just wants to say “screw it” and do whatever feels good in the moment. It’s exhausting, right? And if you’ve ever felt like you’re getting pulled in a million directions by your own mind, welcome to the club. This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) comes in with some serious clarity.

IFS recognizes that we’re made up of many “parts,” each with its own voice, agenda, and motivation. But here’s the kicker: beneath all the noise, there’s something deeper and truer inside you—something that’s calm, centered, and completely unshakable. This is The Self.

What is The Self in IFS?

In IFS, The Self is like the wise, grounded leader within you. It’s the part of you that’s always calm, compassionate, and curious, no matter how loud or chaotic the other parts get. Think of it as the captain of your internal ship. Even when there’s a storm of emotions or a mutiny of parts trying to take control, The Self knows how to steer the ship in the right direction.

But here’s the thing—most of us are so used to letting our parts run the show that we’ve forgotten how to tap into The Self. Instead of leading with confidence, we end up bouncing between parts like the perfectionist, the inner critic, or the anxious protector. Those parts are trying to keep you safe, sure, but they don’t always know the full picture. That’s where The Self steps in with clarity.

Your Parts Aren’t the Enemy (But They Could Use a Break)

IFS sees all your parts—yes, even the ones you can’t stand—as valuable. Each part has a purpose, even if its methods are, well, a little misguided. The inner critic? It’s probably trying to push you to be better so you don’t get hurt. The part of you that numbs out with Netflix or procrastinates? It’s trying to protect you from feeling overwhelmed. Even the most self-sabotaging parts have some intention of keeping you safe, even if they’re doing it in a way that’s backfiring.

But—and this is the big but—those parts can chill when The Self is in charge. They don’t have to take over, scream for attention, or fight to protect you from imagined dangers. When you’re in Self, your parts can relax and trust that someone capable is handling things. They don’t have to be on high alert all the time.

So, How Do You Tap Into The Self?

The million-dollar question, right? How do I get in touch with The Self when my parts are loud AF?

Here’s where the real work happens. The first step in IFS is learning to identify your parts—who’s speaking right now? Is it the perfectionist, the anxious part, the angry protector? Once you recognize which part is in control, you can gently ask it to step aside and make space for The Self to come forward.

And how do you know when you’re in Self? You’ll feel a sense of calm, curiosity, and compassion—not just for other people, but for your parts too. You stop judging that angry or scared part of yourself and instead ask, “What do you need? How can I help you?” You approach your inner world with a sense of understanding rather than criticism. This is the power of The Self: the ability to hold space for all your parts without being overwhelmed by them.

It’s like being the calm adult in the room when a bunch of toddlers are having a meltdown. Your parts might be freaking out, but The Self can handle it. It doesn’t get sucked into the chaos.

The 8 C's of Self-Leadership

IFS founder Richard Schwartz came up with what are called the 8 C's of Self-leadership, and they’re pretty much a roadmap to know when you're in Self-mode.

8 C's of Self

When you’re in Self, you’ll notice these qualities coming through naturally. You’ll be more curious about your parts rather than judgmental. You’ll feel a sense of clarity about your situation instead of feeling stuck. And you’ll be able to approach yourself and others with compassion, even when things get tough.

Why The Self is the Key to Healing

At its core, IFS is about creating a relationship between The Self and your parts. When your parts start to trust that The Self is in charge, they don’t have to keep running interference. They can let go of their extreme roles and find new, healthier ways of being.

For example, your inner critic doesn’t have to berate you into working harder—it can learn to motivate you in a more supportive way. Your anxious part can stop panicking and instead focus on keeping you alert without overwhelming you. Your protector parts can stop guarding you so fiercely and let The Self handle the heavy lifting.

The best part? This isn’t about getting rid of your parts or silencing them. It’s about helping them heal and transform. When your parts trust The Self, they can let go of the extreme behaviors and step into healthier roles. They stop being the enemy and start being allies.

Getting to Know Your Self

Tapping into The Self isn’t a one-and-done thing. It’s a process of learning to recognize when your parts are in control and gently inviting The Self to lead instead. It takes practice, patience, and a whole lot of compassion—for your parts and yourself.

But here’s the truth: The Self is always there. No matter how chaotic things get, no matter how strong your parts feel, The Self is never broken, never lost, and always available to you. It’s the part of you that knows exactly who you are, what you need, and how to heal.

You don’t have to “fix” yourself or become someone else to find peace. You just have to connect with the part of you that’s already whole. And that’s what IFS is all about—helping you get in touch with your own inner wisdom, compassion, and strength. Because you are the key to your own healing. The Self is ready when you are.

So, are you ready to let your Self lead?

Reach out for a free consult and let’s work together to find your Self!